My story.

So tonight I was feeling really low. I've been battling depression since 8th grade, and honestly it's the worst. I hate feeling trapped, like there's nothing I can do. That's how clinical depression is, I suppose. Especially when you aren't medicated because I fear that if I ever have to stop taking the medication it'll make me worse. But anyway, it's been an on and off struggle. (Depression usually is) And I swore time and time again that I was better. No, I'm not. Yeah, a smile can hide a whole lot. But really, I'm dying inside.

I started using self harm as a method to cope with my depression in 7th grade, even though I wasn't diagnosed with depression until 8th. I would scratch myself to relieve bits of anxiety. At that point, it was a way to release energy. Stupid, I suppose. But it worked. I was a pretty happy girl in 7th grade, just living life. Other than my extreme anxiety and sometimes scary mood swings, I was alright. In 8th grade, though, everything changed. For the first part of my 8th grade year I was having a tough time with one of my close friendships. My urge to hurt myself came back, but it was only a dull nagging. I poked myself with safety pins a few times for quick release. Still nothing major or worrying...yet. Then in January I had my my first real boyfriend. I really thought I was in love. How silly of me. When the relationship ended only about 2 months later, I spiraled downward. I was so unsure of how to deal with it. The urges came back, but this time stronger. The first thing I did was stop eating. I'm not sure why, but it made me feel in control of the situation. I just did not want food. The self harm came slowly, gradually until I got braver. Once I reached that point, I smashed a plate just to get the shards of glass. I sat there on the kitchen floor, cut myself, and cried until my arm was covered in marks. They didn't bleed much, but it was enough. Sure a teacher or two noticed, but I lied and got away with it. It even got to the point where I seriously considered suicide. I even had a note written. I threw it away, so I can't really remember what it said. All I know is that it was covered in tears. I did those horrible things to myself until about June (which in total was about 3 1/2 months) until things started looking up. I recovered for that period of time.

My freshman year of high school self harm really didn't play a part in my life. Sure things were rough at certain parts, but somehow self harm wasn't something I used to cope. Even my sophomore year I was clean for the most part. Even though periods of depression came up, I managed to deal with it better. I really thought I'd recovered.

Then all of a sudden the summer before junior year was a nightmare. As you've read before, I had a miscarriage. Not only that, I had a lot of issues with my baby's father. After I miscarried, and after he put me through so much bullshit I went through a horrible period of depression. It lasted for a few weeks, but the scars are there forever. For days I could not get out of bed. I was physically sick and in so much pain. I turned to burning myself first, even asking others to burn me for "fun" when they didn't even realize it was a form of destruction to myself. Then the cutting began again. This time, though, I got brave. I melted the razor blades out of a disposable razor. At first I was scared, but in so much emotional pain that once I drug the blade across my skin I knew I'd made a mistake. It felt good, but it hurt. I didn't even feel it at first. In fact, I didn't even realize how deep I'd cut. One of the cuts in particular bled for two days. I was horrified. So afraid I'd have to go the hospital and tell my mom. Thankfully, it stopped. I had cut on my upper thigh, so the pain was unbearable for a few days. Once they healed, I swore I'd never do it again.

And I didn't, until about a week ago. Things were overwhelming. That's another thing I hate about depression; just when you think you're getting better it all goes to shit. I had thrown my old razors away in an effort to fully recover. But unfortunately razors and a lighter were easy access for me. I got a new set of blades in no time and started my devious work on my skin. I sat and cut, and now I'd guess there are over 20 cuts on my thighs. They hurt. I want to stop. I want to get better and not want to die anymore.

After a depressing Facebook status tonight, though, a girl I barely talked to messaged me telling me I deserve better and that she's there for me. She will never know how much that meant, because tonight I was seriously considering the way I could end it. She saved me.

I honestly pray for the strength to recover and not have to fake my happiness. But I still stand strong. As strong as I can. I deal with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. But I still smile, because with some strength I know I can get better.

It feels good to share my story.

XOXO Angie :*

My daughter.

Hi guys. So I know I said before I wanted to come on here with a more positive blog entry, but it doesn't look like tonight will be the time. Honestly, it isn't negative. But on the other hand it really isn't all that positive either. So tonight I got the courage to tell two of my close friends about my miscarriage back in June. In three days, it will be three months since I lost my child. It's still hard on me, but looking at it now I've come to peace with it. I realized while I may not have the support of the father, I have my best friends who stand behind me one hundred percent and that means the world to me. Talking about it really made me realize a lot. For one, it made me proud to have been strong enough to talk about her. (and yes, I refer to my unborn child as 'her' because as part of the recovery process I've picked a gender for my child) It's still hard to believe that I was supposed to be a mother. That in about 7 months I would have given birth. At this point, I've come to terms with the fact that I would have been a single mother. Why? Because I can no longer tolerate Patrick in my life. He's been nothing but horrible for the most part, especially when I was pregnant. We don't talk anymore. I can't bear to look at him. It's too much. I love my daughter. She was never born, but she still lives on in my heart. I know now that I have to stay strong because I need to remember her. Her father surely won't. He's too absorbed in himself and we can't get along. Even for her. If she had been born, maybe we'd try harder. But as of now he's just a bitter reminder. Is it bad or selfish that I want to blame him? He made me so stressed while I was pregnant that I attribute him to part of the reason why I miscarried. I know it sounds horrible, but it's how I feel. And don't get me wrong, I still love him with everything in me. A first love never dies, because if it does then it was never really a first love. But he treats me so horribly that I realized I deserve better. He wouldn't have made a good father. She never would have carried his name. So from now I live for me and what she would have been. And every month on the date I will do something special. No matter what it is. I love you, Annelies. Watch over me in heaven.

I'll carry you.

Dear angel, .


It's only been a little over two weeks since I've lost you, but mommy feels the need to write something special for you. My heart aches each and every day for you, little one. I only carried you for a few weeks in my belly. Did you know that? To you, it probably felt a lot shorter. Or maybe longer. I'll never know . I bet you felt safe in there. Safe and warm. I used to talk to you. Did you ever hear me? Did you know the sound of my voice? Probably not. You were too small and undeveloped. Although, I'd like to believe you heard me pray and cry for you. Do you remember your daddy's voice? He never talked to you, but he talked around you. Daddy wasn't very nice to mommy at first, but when he found out about you he became a lot nicer. When I told him that I lost you, I'm not sure if he was sad or not. But he cares, darling, so don't you worry. He wasn't sure if he wanted you, and neither was I. I'm so sorry, baby. We were going to get rid of you, but I couldn't do it. I wanted you after awhile, I really did. I guess God needed you more than I did. He needed a beautiful angel up there with him watching over the world. Maybe both of you knew I couldn't handle you yet down here. Afterall I'm only sixteen. But I would have taken care of you. Your father and I would have stuck together, just for you. Daddy and I are friends now. We laugh and smile together. Unfortunatly, we can't love each other like mommies and daddies are supposed to do. But we still laugh and smile together. I bet you smile down just as big as I do when you see us getting along. Everytime I'm with him, I think of you. We don't say much about you though, I think it pains the both of us to know we lost someone so dear. Even if neither of us realized it, a large part of us was taken when we lost you. Even if you were only a month developed, you were ours. I'm trying my hardest to be strong for all three of us. You wouldn't want to see your mom sad, I'm sure. Dad doesn't like it either. I love both of you though, so I put on a strong face. It's so hard for everyone down here to understand why this bothers me so much. The short time you were inside of me changed me, love. It made me grow up, and it gave me an entirely new outlook. Everyday I wonder what kind of person you would have turned out to be. I have a funny feeling you would have been a beautiful baby girl. Your name would have been Annelies Marie. I'm not quite sure what last name you would have taken on. I wonder what color your eyes would have been, and the type of hair you'd have. Would have have big brown eyes like your dad? Or smaller hazel eyes like me? Would you get mad easily like your father? Or have more patience like me? Would you be smart? What kind of games would you have liked to play? I wonder what it would have felt like to hold you and kiss you. But heaven got the chance to see you before we did. There's so many things I'll continue to wonder, but there's one thing I'm completely sure of; I grew to love you more than anything else. I need to turn my life around, and I'll do it for you because you never got the chance to exist. Mommy is going to keep fighting each and everyday. I love you, and keep smiling down from heaven on your parents and we'll see you one day.


Love forever, Mom. .


So yes, as you can all see that was a letter to the child I unfortunatly miscarried on June 25, 2012. A day after my birthday. I guess he/she wanted to hold on long enough for me to have a nice birthday. At least that's the way I'd like to think of it. I know most of you reading this will have a lot of negative comments towards this for two reasons. One; I am only sixteen years old and two; I carried the baby for a a little less than a month. Either way, until you're pregnant you will not understand how your outlook changes, even at a young age. I originally was going to get an abortion, because the father and I were not together and the baby was concieved by complete carelessness on both of our parts. Neither of us were mentally or financially stable enough to give our child a good life. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I could not end the life of an innocent child just because of my own mistakes. Now I'm not even going to get into the subject of abortion too deeply because it is so controversial. I felt the need to get this out because my life has taken a horrible turn since the last time I wrote. I gave up on finding strength in God, turned to drugs and self harm once again, and obviously had relations with an ex which resulted in the pregnancy. I do want to turn my life around, but it's been so damn hard for me. My blogs usually aren't this negative, but this one has to be. Simply because the bitterness is crucial to the recovery process. I want to get better, and I hope by finally trying to let everything out I can get better. I'm sharing my story because I want other teens to know they are not alone. I love you guys xx~ I'll hopefully be on again soon with a more positive blog. -Angie

& one nation, under God.

Sidenote; Oh my! I haven't written on over a year. Shame on me!*

Dear Anna,

Well, I have so much to say since I haven't written in so long ( And I promise, I will write more to catch up) But, I'll just sum it up by saying I'm single, in 10th grade, and trying my best at this game called life. I'm a level 2 in Marketing, and I'm setting more goals toward my future and what I want to be in life. Unfortunately, a few things, mostly negative, threw me off track and gave me the wake-up call of a lifetime.


Now, as for the single part it really isn't much of a surprise. This whole blog I've been writing about love and relationships, but also about loving yourself. Lately I've been struggling with boys, ( Yes, the bi-polar ex of mine who can't make up his mind on how he feels for me) and my self image as most teenagers do. I do have bouts of depression where I feel really bad about myself, and if any of you have kept up with me over a long period of time, you'd know I also dealt with self injury and an eating disorder (Not serious, just not eating for short period of time). Both of which I'm struggling to still overcome, as temptation for both still arises sometimes. But recently I've developed the most important relationship: A relationship with God.


If any of you know me, you'll know that I was the farthest thing from a "religious" person. You couldn't get me in a church for any reason other than a wedding, and I barely knew how to pray. My best friend attends a youth group at a local church, and asked me to come along one time. At first, it was just something to do on a Wednesday night, but now I'm taking it more seriously.

As a young child I was never brought to church, and religion was never a big deal in my household. That's why coming to youth and building a relationship with God is so difficult for me. If you don't know what youth group is, I should probably explain so the rest of the blog makes sense to you. Youth group is an event every Wednesday night that is held at our church (or most churches wherever you may live) where a group of kids, along with sponsors and pastors, gather to praise and worship God. I know that may sound boring, but really it isn't! We play games, sing songs (All of which relate to God)meet in small groups to discuss passages from the Bible, & of course pray and listen to the Pastors deliver important messages. At first, I didn't take it seriously. And I will be completely honest; I talked during the messages, refused to participate in the small group discussions, and didn't sing during the songs. I cracked jokes and tried acting "cool". Oh, and speaking of cool, let's get back to where I mentioned I made a few decisions that threw me off track.


First, I tried smoking. Yes, me. The same girl who I wrote in previous blogs saying I never would. But yes, the desire to be cool and impress the guys I like lured me into making that horrible decision. Did it make me cool? Yes, to a point. But what else about it? Well, it tasted disgusting. It made me hair smell, and I had to work hard to cover it up. Was it worth it? Sure, maybe at first. But that was until I began to cough from it, and I knew I was getting addicted. I needed one everyday, and I would get jittery and angry when I didn't have one. I'd snap on innocent people, even my closest friend who didn't smoke. It was fun at first, but I soon realized the physical effects were starting to show and I knew I was going down a wrong road. Secondly, I was also doing other things that were leading my down the wrong road. Instead of going into detail, I'll just end by saying smoking is NOT cool, contrary to what your fellow highschoolers may be making you believe.


Anyways, getting back to youth group. Tonight was the first night in youth where I REALLY took it seriously. I sang along to the songs at the top of my lungs, I prayed, and I listened. At one point, our Pastor asked us to draw a personal line for ourselves. Whether it be with drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or even the way in which we treat others. I chose to quit smoking, and to live a healthier life through my Christian beliefs. It's going to be hard, especially when my other best friend still smokes, but through the Lord I know I have the strength to do it. Through this experience, I find myself becoming a better person. Yes, I still like to have fun and joke around. And no, I'm not one of those uptight Christians who is so fixed on religion that I shun anyone with different beliefs. I just want to work on my relationship with God, even if the steps are very small. I highly recommend going to Youth, or a similar event if you need to turn your life around, but you aren't into hardcore religion and you need to take baby steps into it. It's fun, and free and most importantly you'll take the lesson of a lifetime home!


Oh, and you may be asking yourself what my "major wake-up" call was. Well, my wake-up call was realizing I was hurting my friends, and most importantly my family by my behavior. Though my family didn't know about my smoking, they kept calling me a "good kid" and the guilt got to me. I knew I had to do something about it, and I knew youth group was a perfect place to start the changes.


I believe in myself, and so should anyone reading this blog. If you want to do something, then do it. I'm finding myself through this process, and I'm so thankful for the changes. I want to be a better person, I want to remain the smart student I've always been and I truly believe that's what God wants for me. That's why I'm stopping now, because the farther down the wrong road you get, the harder it is to turn back. I have goals for myself, and I know I'm going to achieve them. Trust me, if God could get through to a person like me, then I'm more than sure he could help you out too. You just have to have faith. ♥

Love yourself.♥

Finally,I've figured out that you need to love youself.
It's finally my time.
I spent so much time waiting around, and blaming myself.
Well,I finally realized that I deserve to LIVE.
To be FREE and make the decisions that make me happy and not do what pleases others.
I am who I am,and I'll always be.

I won't listen to them.
I won't waste time on anyone who doesn't mean anything.
I won't hate myself.


I will listen to my heart.
I will cherish my best friend.
I will find what's good about me.
I will chase my dreams.

♥
♥
♥
♥

I will love myself.♥

Guys,tries,and lies.

I haven't written in awhile. I didn't really have a topic,but now I do.
A few blogs ago,I wrote of love.Hm,funny I'd do that. Sadly,this topic isn't much different.

Anyway,about a week ago I had my first REAL boyfriend,as in a boyfriend who lived within a reasonable distance. Yeah,yeah he was a middle school crush,and we finally admitted feelings. Blah,blah,blah. Why so bitter you ask? Well,he dumped me for no apparent reason.

After saying he was glad "fate brought us together" he sounds like a real sweety pie,am I right? Ha,you'd be wrong. He had his little brother text me and say "Hi Angie,this is Zach and pat is dumping you because he says you aren't having a good relationship.I'm sorry". Now,maybe I'm just old fashioned,but I think if you're going to dump someone you should do it YOURSELF.Oh yeah,and you might want to give the girl a legit reason. What in the world does "not having a good relationship" mean exactly? What did I do? Is it because I didn't kiss him,Or maybe the fact that I wouldn't lose my virginity at 14! Yes,because his brother actually texted me saying my so called "boyfriend" wanted to have sex with me. Anyway,I'm trying not to take it so hard.

Sorry,I'm rambling about personal problems.I suppose I should get to the point of this blog.


Anyway,I still can't comprehend how guys can say "Oh baby,I love you so much" and then the next day BOOM! It's over. Obviously,here's where the "Lies" part of the title of this blog comes in. Sorry,but I think most guys say this to get in a girl's pants. In reality,most girls get taken advantage of. I won't.I refuse to let a guy have me in that way,unless I REALLY love him.

Now,I'm aware not all guys are like this. There are a few sweethearts out there. I just haven't found one yet. I won't give up though.



It just confuses me when boys act like this.I don't really know what else to say.Except,be cautious when it comes to giving your heart out.

My Anne Frank poems.

These are two of my own original poems. I wrote them as a dedication to Anne Frank,who is pretty much my hero. She was a Dutch-Jew girl but she died because she practiced Jewish religion. It's so sad.Anyway,I hope you guys enjoy these(:


♥I Am Anne Frank♥
I am Anne Frank.
A beautiful girl with brown bouncing curls
So lovely;
And admired by all the other girls


I am Anne Frank
A little,innocent Jew
But now it's just me;
And my diary Kitty,too.
Sadness and loneliness is all I feel
Sometimes I wonder
Is this even real?
Day after day
In the Secret Annexe
Is where I stay
Wishing for freedom
No matter how I pray
I can not have freedom
For Nazi's have taken it away

I am Anne Frank
They have found us at last
Goodbye to everything
Goodbye to my past
Kitty,I bid you goodbye
But no matter what
Those cruel men will not see me cry
Everyone is in a such a horrible state
Goodbye world
Now Bergen-Belsen is my fate

I am Anne Frank
Can you not hear me scream?
All of my hopes;
All the shattered dreams

I am Anne Frank
My time has come
Remember me
For I am not the only one
Who suffered this fate
My fame will come
I just need to wait


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
♥Tears♥
Tears;
That could have trickled down her face
Tears;
That left a sorrowful trace
Under the circumstances
She kept her pride
All of her emotions
In which she had to hide
A prayer
Here and there
Couldnt save her from despair
She made all the effort to stay alive
Until a cold day in 1945
Dear little Anne;
Was buried alive.
Flown away;an angel in the sky
Now all that is left is the tears we cry



RIP Anne.M.Frank<3