Sidenote; Oh my! I haven't written on over a year. Shame on me!*
Dear Anna,
Well, I have so much to say since I haven't written in so long ( And I promise, I will write more to catch up) But, I'll just sum it up by saying I'm single, in 10th grade, and trying my best at this game called life. I'm a level 2 in Marketing, and I'm setting more goals toward my future and what I want to be in life. Unfortunately, a few things, mostly negative, threw me off track and gave me the wake-up call of a lifetime.
Now, as for the single part it really isn't much of a surprise. This whole blog I've been writing about love and relationships, but also about loving yourself. Lately I've been struggling with boys, ( Yes, the bi-polar ex of mine who can't make up his mind on how he feels for me) and my self image as most teenagers do. I do have bouts of depression where I feel really bad about myself, and if any of you have kept up with me over a long period of time, you'd know I also dealt with self injury and an eating disorder (Not serious, just not eating for short period of time). Both of which I'm struggling to still overcome, as temptation for both still arises sometimes. But recently I've developed the most important relationship: A relationship with God.
If any of you know me, you'll know that I was the farthest thing from a "religious" person. You couldn't get me in a church for any reason other than a wedding, and I barely knew how to pray. My best friend attends a youth group at a local church, and asked me to come along one time. At first, it was just something to do on a Wednesday night, but now I'm taking it more seriously.
As a young child I was never brought to church, and religion was never a big deal in my household. That's why coming to youth and building a relationship with God is so difficult for me. If you don't know what youth group is, I should probably explain so the rest of the blog makes sense to you. Youth group is an event every Wednesday night that is held at our church (or most churches wherever you may live) where a group of kids, along with sponsors and pastors, gather to praise and worship God. I know that may sound boring, but really it isn't! We play games, sing songs (All of which relate to God)meet in small groups to discuss passages from the Bible, & of course pray and listen to the Pastors deliver important messages. At first, I didn't take it seriously. And I will be completely honest; I talked during the messages, refused to participate in the small group discussions, and didn't sing during the songs. I cracked jokes and tried acting "cool". Oh, and speaking of cool, let's get back to where I mentioned I made a few decisions that threw me off track.
First, I tried smoking. Yes, me. The same girl who I wrote in previous blogs saying I never would. But yes, the desire to be cool and impress the guys I like lured me into making that horrible decision. Did it make me cool? Yes, to a point. But what else about it? Well, it tasted disgusting. It made me hair smell, and I had to work hard to cover it up. Was it worth it? Sure, maybe at first. But that was until I began to cough from it, and I knew I was getting addicted. I needed one everyday, and I would get jittery and angry when I didn't have one. I'd snap on innocent people, even my closest friend who didn't smoke. It was fun at first, but I soon realized the physical effects were starting to show and I knew I was going down a wrong road. Secondly, I was also doing other things that were leading my down the wrong road. Instead of going into detail, I'll just end by saying smoking is NOT cool, contrary to what your fellow highschoolers may be making you believe.
Anyways, getting back to youth group. Tonight was the first night in youth where I REALLY took it seriously. I sang along to the songs at the top of my lungs, I prayed, and I listened. At one point, our Pastor asked us to draw a personal line for ourselves. Whether it be with drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or even the way in which we treat others. I chose to quit smoking, and to live a healthier life through my Christian beliefs. It's going to be hard, especially when my other best friend still smokes, but through the Lord I know I have the strength to do it. Through this experience, I find myself becoming a better person. Yes, I still like to have fun and joke around. And no, I'm not one of those uptight Christians who is so fixed on religion that I shun anyone with different beliefs. I just want to work on my relationship with God, even if the steps are very small. I highly recommend going to Youth, or a similar event if you need to turn your life around, but you aren't into hardcore religion and you need to take baby steps into it. It's fun, and free and most importantly you'll take the lesson of a lifetime home!
Oh, and you may be asking yourself what my "major wake-up" call was. Well, my wake-up call was realizing I was hurting my friends, and most importantly my family by my behavior. Though my family didn't know about my smoking, they kept calling me a "good kid" and the guilt got to me. I knew I had to do something about it, and I knew youth group was a perfect place to start the changes.
I believe in myself, and so should anyone reading this blog. If you want to do something, then do it. I'm finding myself through this process, and I'm so thankful for the changes. I want to be a better person, I want to remain the smart student I've always been and I truly believe that's what God wants for me. That's why I'm stopping now, because the farther down the wrong road you get, the harder it is to turn back. I have goals for myself, and I know I'm going to achieve them. Trust me, if God could get through to a person like me, then I'm more than sure he could help you out too. You just have to have faith. ♥
