I'll carry you.

Dear angel, .


It's only been a little over two weeks since I've lost you, but mommy feels the need to write something special for you. My heart aches each and every day for you, little one. I only carried you for a few weeks in my belly. Did you know that? To you, it probably felt a lot shorter. Or maybe longer. I'll never know . I bet you felt safe in there. Safe and warm. I used to talk to you. Did you ever hear me? Did you know the sound of my voice? Probably not. You were too small and undeveloped. Although, I'd like to believe you heard me pray and cry for you. Do you remember your daddy's voice? He never talked to you, but he talked around you. Daddy wasn't very nice to mommy at first, but when he found out about you he became a lot nicer. When I told him that I lost you, I'm not sure if he was sad or not. But he cares, darling, so don't you worry. He wasn't sure if he wanted you, and neither was I. I'm so sorry, baby. We were going to get rid of you, but I couldn't do it. I wanted you after awhile, I really did. I guess God needed you more than I did. He needed a beautiful angel up there with him watching over the world. Maybe both of you knew I couldn't handle you yet down here. Afterall I'm only sixteen. But I would have taken care of you. Your father and I would have stuck together, just for you. Daddy and I are friends now. We laugh and smile together. Unfortunatly, we can't love each other like mommies and daddies are supposed to do. But we still laugh and smile together. I bet you smile down just as big as I do when you see us getting along. Everytime I'm with him, I think of you. We don't say much about you though, I think it pains the both of us to know we lost someone so dear. Even if neither of us realized it, a large part of us was taken when we lost you. Even if you were only a month developed, you were ours. I'm trying my hardest to be strong for all three of us. You wouldn't want to see your mom sad, I'm sure. Dad doesn't like it either. I love both of you though, so I put on a strong face. It's so hard for everyone down here to understand why this bothers me so much. The short time you were inside of me changed me, love. It made me grow up, and it gave me an entirely new outlook. Everyday I wonder what kind of person you would have turned out to be. I have a funny feeling you would have been a beautiful baby girl. Your name would have been Annelies Marie. I'm not quite sure what last name you would have taken on. I wonder what color your eyes would have been, and the type of hair you'd have. Would have have big brown eyes like your dad? Or smaller hazel eyes like me? Would you get mad easily like your father? Or have more patience like me? Would you be smart? What kind of games would you have liked to play? I wonder what it would have felt like to hold you and kiss you. But heaven got the chance to see you before we did. There's so many things I'll continue to wonder, but there's one thing I'm completely sure of; I grew to love you more than anything else. I need to turn my life around, and I'll do it for you because you never got the chance to exist. Mommy is going to keep fighting each and everyday. I love you, and keep smiling down from heaven on your parents and we'll see you one day.


Love forever, Mom. .


So yes, as you can all see that was a letter to the child I unfortunatly miscarried on June 25, 2012. A day after my birthday. I guess he/she wanted to hold on long enough for me to have a nice birthday. At least that's the way I'd like to think of it. I know most of you reading this will have a lot of negative comments towards this for two reasons. One; I am only sixteen years old and two; I carried the baby for a a little less than a month. Either way, until you're pregnant you will not understand how your outlook changes, even at a young age. I originally was going to get an abortion, because the father and I were not together and the baby was concieved by complete carelessness on both of our parts. Neither of us were mentally or financially stable enough to give our child a good life. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I could not end the life of an innocent child just because of my own mistakes. Now I'm not even going to get into the subject of abortion too deeply because it is so controversial. I felt the need to get this out because my life has taken a horrible turn since the last time I wrote. I gave up on finding strength in God, turned to drugs and self harm once again, and obviously had relations with an ex which resulted in the pregnancy. I do want to turn my life around, but it's been so damn hard for me. My blogs usually aren't this negative, but this one has to be. Simply because the bitterness is crucial to the recovery process. I want to get better, and I hope by finally trying to let everything out I can get better. I'm sharing my story because I want other teens to know they are not alone. I love you guys xx~ I'll hopefully be on again soon with a more positive blog. -Angie